he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
