I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Randomize
