Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
where does the pee come out of this thing
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
