Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
