Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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