I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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