Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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