It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
