So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
