i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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