I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
