Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
