I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
