Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
