i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
