are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
