happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
