I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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