He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
