Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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