found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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