i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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