I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize