Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
