i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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