Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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