is your mom at the bar?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
