We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
