Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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