this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
