I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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