theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
