her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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