The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
