So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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