I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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