I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
