I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
