Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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