he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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