I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
