Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
