Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
