Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
