i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize