Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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