so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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