I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
