Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
