You smell like stripper and shame
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
