I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we're making bets on your personal life
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
