I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize