i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
