You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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