Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize