Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I miss vodka workout Fridays
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
