If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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