why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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