I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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