You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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