Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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