um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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